Making Friends in Family
WHEN Joan gave birth to the first boy in her family in three generations, she and her husband were ecstatic. So were her parents. Joan expected her older sister, Sally, to be just as delighted. Joan had always worshiped Sally—the beauty and the star of the family—and rejoiced in her achievements.
But since the baby's arrival, the sisters have become distant. Joan feels hurt that Sally seems completely uninterested in little Andrew. Sally, who had no children, claims that her younger sister "acts as if no one ever had a baby before".
Neither Sally nor Joan understands that the sudden reversal in their family roles is the real cause of the current chill. Joan has finally outdone her dominant older sister—and Sally doesn't like it! Their distance may be temporary, but it shows that childhood rivalry (競(jìng)爭(zhēng)) isn't always outgrown. It can remain a strong ingredient in sibling(兄弟姐妹) relationships throughout life.
In a study at the University of Cincinnati, 65 men and women between ages 25 and 93 were asked how they felt about their brothers and sisters. Nearly 75 percent admitted harboring rivalrous feelings. In a few cases, these emotions were sufficiently intense to have affected their entire lives.
Many adult brothers and sisters are close, supportive and affectionate—yet still need to compete. Two brothers I know turn into killers when on opposite sides of a tennis net. Off the court, they are the best of friends. My own younger sister never fails to tell me when I've put on weight.. However, she's a terrible cook and that pleases me; I outdo myself when she comes to dinner. Happily, despite these small failings, we have been an important resource for one another.
In between the intensely rivalrous and the generally supportive siblings lie those who relate in an irritable manner that no friendship should survive. Some brothers and sisters stay at arm's length, but always stop short ot ending ties completely. Why do these puzzling, unproductive, often painful relationships persist?
In part because the bonds forged in childhood remain powerful even after
siblings have grown up and gone their separate ways. These relationships are so intimate that the participants share a closeness unlike any other. But along with the affection contributing to that closeness, there is room for anger, jealousy and resentment.
Stephen Bank, a family therapist and co-author with Michael D. Kahn of The Sibling Bond, explains why: "There are few adults who don't believe deep down that a sibling got more of something than they did—parental love, advantages, brains, looks. It could be true, but it really doesn't matter. If, as adults, they're successful enough to feel on an equal footing, siblings can give each other a great deal. If not, unresolved feelings can distort their relationships. "
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